Showing posts with label mentor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mentor. Show all posts

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Why Strong Women Are In Terrible Relationships - Michelle Baxo

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VoiceAmerica  0:04  
One problem facing people at many levels of business is how to make time for a work life and a personal life. Do you find that one seems to keep getting in the way of the other? This is the work life balance with Rick Morris. Even if you're not involved in the business world, you'll have a lot to gain by tuning into today's show. Now, here's your host, Rick A. Morris,

Rick A. Morris  0:26  
and welcome to another edition of the work life balance on this Friday afternoon. It's November now the weather's starting to get cooler. And it's, you know, still crazy times for all of us. But we thank you for listening in. And we have an amazing show for you today. The person that that's going to be with us today is a returning guest. She's also an empowerment coach, author and speaker, bringing motivated women around the world from power less to powerful in every aspect of life. Her advice can be found in Forbes cosmopolitan insider and thrive global global. And our YouTube channel provides a wealth of knowledge around love and empowerment. And our new book power love dating. It's not so new. It was new when we talked the first time last time but our new book will still call it new is

Michelle Baxo  1:13  
my next one yet. So

Rick A. Morris  1:14  
there we go. So it's a woman's real world guide to empowered love and is now available on Amazon. Let's bring around Michelle back. So how you doing Michelle?

Michelle Baxo  1:23  
I'm doing awesome. Thanks for having me here.

Rick A. Morris  1:25  
Oh, thanks for coming back. I had such a great time with you. It's, we don't do a lot of we were pretty well booked out in the show. And we don't do a whole lot of repeat guests. So you probably have three or four that have repeated either that or that I didn't drive away in the first interview. So that's good. But the topic, the topic, you've got me, you know, ready to jump into what we're talking about today, which is why strong women are in terrible relationships, or they're just feeling lonely. So let's let's dive into this. Michelle, first of all, where did that topic come from? Is this something that you do regularly with coaching with with your clients? Well, yeah,

Unknown Speaker  2:01  

Rick A. Morris  2:01  

Michelle Baxo  2:02  
well, it's funny, right. And, you know, I find I attract a lot of clients that are similar to me and my journey and my past. And I'm someone who's always related to myself as a strong woman, it's something I aspire to be as a young girl, I always looked up to strong women, I considered myself strong as I grew along. And so of course, I attract other women who are on that path or relate to them selves in the same way, which, you know, brings me here, I know a lot of your listeners are entrepreneurs or people in leadership and business. And so those women probably do on some level relate to themselves as strong, so, but the topic came up, because this just comes up a lot for the women that I work with, or the people that that follow me through through my channels. And there is a shocking and alarming tendency for strong women, women who relate to themselves as strong or powerful, up to things driven, inspired, like all these really incredible women who tend to be either in terrible relationships, or have been in terrible relationships, and therefore on some level or avoiding that happening again, and so maybe aren't in relationships, or aren't finding what it is that they're looking for. So I just thought, you know, what a great platform here to talk about this, because I'm certain that there are a number of people here that either deal with it themselves, or know someone or many people who are dealing with this.

Rick A. Morris  3:25  
But let's be fair, that's not just relegated to women, either. Now, I know that there's some role shifts there. Yeah. But I know a lot of strong men, I'll say me included that Yeah. Got into a terrible relationship and don't know how I found myself there. So hopefully,

Michelle Baxo  3:40  
and you know, there may be a lot of parallels, like the stuff that we're going to talk about and share. So this is why it's so great. Having you know, you being a man that we're in this conversation with, because yeah, there is a there are certain tendencies that can happen when there's a certain level of strength and personal responsibility. And, and I think, yeah, you're right, whether it's a man or a woman, we often think if I develop myself a certain way, if I become independent, if I become self sufficient, if I become emotionally evolved, then naturally right, I would attract someone that is, uh, that is equal to that. And sometimes that happens, but very often not and I think it's an important thing that we talk about because it can be just so disheartening when we're doing that work, thinking that it's going to results to that to that relationship and then Wow, I keep you know, so for men or women we might want example is where strong Pete Why don't we say strong people I work so much with women, so I'm really it's fair,

Rick A. Morris  4:41  
nobody will be offended.

Michelle Baxo  4:44  
But, but, you know, strong people are, you know, there's this tendency, for example, to be with people who ride on the coattails of a strong person or depend on on a strong person who you know, just As one example right there can codependency can start showing up in those relationships. And, you know, I'll just dive right in when I would say one of the biggest sources of that is that strong people. And like I said, I, I see it most with strong women, because that's who I work with. And that's what I am. So I have a past of it too. But strong people tend to tolerate a lot. Right? Then you as a strong person can probably actually I know a little bit about your past, right? And so it's when there's things unhealthy things going on, or like, like, we were like, okay, I can handle that. I can handle that. And we tolerate and then it can that can quickly turn into unhealthy patterns, it can turn into over accommodating, it can turn into losing ourselves, it can turn into just a straight Yeah, like I said, a straight up on healthy, toxic relationship. And then we're thinking, Wait a minute, this isn't supposed to happen to healthy evolved, you know, people emotionally enlightened people, what, what happened? How did this happen? And you know, if there's one message I'd want to say is, you know, we do play a part in that. And

Rick A. Morris  6:13  
I think, again, you and I've shared a lot of my personal stuff. And I think one of my biggest personal struggles, certainly something that's been more in my brain lately than than anything else is, like I'm a fixer. I take care of stuff. Yeah, you bring me a problem. I'm gonna go do it. But But is this overwhelming feeling now But who do I get to talk about my problems with right now, outside of a counselor and stuff, I was like, you know, every once in a while their shoulders, they don't stay strong, right? And when I'm having a weak day, or I'm having a day where I'm not on top of my game, then I'm like, why can't you call that person? Why can't you deal with that issue? Why can't you like, is that a normal feeling in this scenario?

Michelle Baxo  6:53  
Yeah, well, because like you said, there's roles that we play, and they can happen in both directions, I would say for men, for sure. Men, you know, tend to be play the role of the emotional rock, it's something that even as strong women really love and in men and in our relationships is to not feel like we have to be the strong one all the time. But in whatever direction it is, whoever is sort of coined as the emotional rock, let's say in the relationship, it's really easy to then depend on that and get into just get into the habit of that. And then there's, the balance is lost, because of course, both people need, you know, sometimes need someone to lean on to bring up an idea. I think Song 80s 90s song there.

Rick A. Morris  7:37  
Lean on me. Yeah. So yeah, it was interesting. I had a conversation this morning. And I feel the same way all the time. It's so funny, I think you and I talked about this in the past, too. I can dispense advice, like anybody's business, but I can't follow this advice that I dispense. And this person was just getting bothered by mundane things that the person like just total distraction, and was feeling upset that, you know, I was like, I've got other things to do yet. Now I gotta go deal with this stuff. And I'm sitting there going, Well, just, you know, this is what you say, cut them off. And the response was like, Yeah, and it's so funny, because that was the exact same feeling I had when somebody was like, well, you need to, you need to put your foot down at home and start taking care of this. And you kind of go, Yeah, what is what is that apprehension? Why is that there?

Michelle Baxo  8:26  
Oh, well, so that conundrum is why I coined the term power love, because there's two parts of us there is the loving, compassionate, tolerant understanding, giving part of us whether you're a man or a woman, and then there's this other part that is, you know, fully aware of our sense of self, our personal power, our desire for control. And I don't mean that to the negative extreme, it just like, just in general, there's so so both parts are in us, and they're both, I would argue they're both primal, they're both necessary, but what we tend to do is polarize them and so that we're in one extreme or the other, we're either put up the wall, don't mess with me, God, you know, this is my boundary deal with it, you know, like that kind of, you know, or I cut you out, like that kind of response. Or I'm a lone wolf, you know, so the extreme or we're all the way on the other side, which is being walked all over, you know, saying yes to things we have no right to say yes to because it's causing a big mess, either for ourselves, or sometimes other people that just aren't there in that moment. Right. And that can cause you know, just like big messes for people in their careers or at their families or their friends. So it's, it's this, it's this tendency to go to go from one to the other. And I think that just comes from a culture where we have polarized them, right. And that may, we could say it's through archetypes. We can say it's through All kinds of different things. But, but that's a problem, when we start considering that both in almost any I would. So I talk about relationships a lot, because even whether it's in business or in love, or dating or family, all of it, relationships is our everything, including our relationship with ourselves, but really, in any aspect of life both really need to be there to be effective, both being powerful and being loving, and all that goes with those two things. So when we start not so it can be like either sort of considering both, which I say is like navigating the in between. So in that instance, right and navigating in between. Just Just give me your example again, so that I

Rick A. Morris  10:45  
know this is so typical, typical conversation if it were your accountability partner, so our job is accountable. And so she'll say something like, well, this person's doing this, this this, I was like, well, you need to cut this off. It's like, yeah, and then I'll go, yeah, and this is what I'm dealing with. And she immediately will go, you got to do this. And you go, yeah,

Michelle Baxo  11:07  
it's cuz like, in that moment, it's like, I know, what I need to do is to be like, cut it off. But there's this part of me that I'm not honoring, if I do that. And so it's this internal debate. So then the question becomes, how do I honor both parts? And how do I do that in a communication with another human being, so that they understand my boundary, for instance, and that they are loved and cared for, but also i'm not owning their stuff. Like it's it's a very tricky, complex thing that we tend to want to avoid. So we do the easy thing, which might be,

Rick A. Morris  11:41  
we just eat, we just drop the boundary. That's it. Yeah, I can tell you personal experience. I'll deal with it next time and worn down and you get worn out. And then you start to have that negative self talk with yourself like,

Michelle Baxo  11:53  
and resenting the other person?

Rick A. Morris  11:55  
Well, and we talked about the three R's the last time, but once you get to that resentment, that's when it's over. Right. And I think I think we're at break. So I want to pick this up when we come back. But I think the question I really have is, again, I'll speak personally, I think my power was awakened. Hmm. And so therefore, things that used to not bother me, bother me now, and I'm dealing with it, versus I was almost in a phase of unawareness, that I should even be powerful in those situations. So I'd love to talk about that when we come back. All right, we'll be right back with Michelle back. So you're listening to Rick Morrison the work life balance.

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Unknown Speaker  14:22  
from the boardroom to you voice America business network.

VoiceAmerica  14:32  
You are tuned in to the work life balance. To reach Rick Morris or his guest today we'd love to have you call into the program at 1-866-472-5790. Again, that's 1-866-472-5790 if you'd rather send an email Rick can be reached at r Morris at r squared Now back to the work life balance

Rick A. Morris  14:58  
and we're back to the work life balance on this Friday afternoon look I love I love when I get messages from for my listeners especially you know live and john things I just need to hire you in. He said I need some counseling time some one on one time with fix all my baggage. What do you think I have a radio show for I just fix it live on air.

Unknown Speaker  15:19  
So and what a contract.

Rick A. Morris  15:24  
So we were talking though, right before break it in. So I know a lot of people in this situation, certainly through my association with the john Maxwell team where people have have sought, you know, they want something different. That's what I wanted. I knew I had a leadership lid. And I knew that I had previously failed in my business I went to certification in this world just opened up to me in that personal development world, where I just started pulling on that piece of yarn. That's never ending, right. But But I feel like that's where my power was awakened. So again, I, I don't think I I knew things bothered me. I knew things bothered me. But like I accepted them all. And I started to grow this backbone that says, I'm not going to accept that anymore. So is that something that you see when we're talking about these two sides of power in love? Yeah, just one awaken. Like, why

Michelle Baxo  16:17  
don't wait against but we have to be careful. It doesn't fly all the way to the other extreme, so we can become aware Oh, my gosh, like, I wait. I am like, I have a moment actually, when I was about to leave a relationship in the past. Were a couple girlfriends as I was sharing about what I was the plans for the next year. And they were like, wait, what do you want. And I had this awakened moment where it was, you know, my first time being in a really long relationship. I think I was in my early 20s. I was like, Oh my God, I've totally lost sight of who I am and what I want, I got lost. And we and it was a new thing for me at that time. And so like, so I just even that can be an awakening moment for people. And certainly, I mean, I also, you know, through my personal development over and over and over, it's like, wow, yes, I, okay, my voice matters. There's something here, no one's going to advocate for me, nor should anyone advocate for me, this is my job to live my truth nobody else's. And what does that mean? And so and we know, people I know, I dealt with that with some of my parents and different relationships, like really awakening that. But what we have to be careful of is that when that's awakened, that we don't bring, turn that into walls, that we don't have that be the, like transformation as an ego trip, as like, a way to divide ourselves from people because we're so enlightened. And, you know, we can't, you know, there's a lot, there's a big culture right now happening around, you know, don't surround yourself with toxic people and all of those things. And I agree with that to an extent, but there's something to be responsible for to and who we really are as humans who desire to connect and do have love and compassion.

Rick A. Morris  18:00  
Well, so I think so. I can describe my awakening a little bit better in the sense that I found this passion to serve others to serve people, okay with people and, and then I noticed how selfishly my family in the relationship was living. Don't Why would you? Why would you pick up that tablet dinner? You know, why would you buy it? It was all me, me, me my mind, mind what I want to save. And I was in this mode of, you know, really pushing blessings out because the blessings that were coming back were tenfold. right in that not only monetarily, but but you know, in my

Michelle Baxo  18:36  
spirit as well. And so now that I'm receiving that, like, that was something that you were Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Rick A. Morris  18:41  
Yeah. So that's where that power, it wasn't so much, like all of a sudden, you know, or no, yeah, way or the highway? Yeah, you know, coming back to the women men thing, you know, I find it really interesting. Obviously, it's, it's more of that female role. But I know a lot of women that had were very powerful, and then took time to take care of their little ones. They they, you know, had little ones they they did their archetypal role if we want to call that Yeah, but lost themselves in that vision and now trying to regain themselves are running into a lot of problem what what about,

Michelle Baxo  19:18  
I mean, you're asking the right person, because literally what I grapple with right now, I have a two year old daughter, and this was after creating, you know, my own my own entrepreneurial Empire and you know, being who I am out in the world and then becoming a mom and what does that mean? What does that look like and, and so what I can what I can share about it for my own experience is there is a, it puts there such two strong, strong, what seems like polarizing poles that we deal with in that situation. One is like all there is for me to do is to care for this little this little human being that got made in my body. It's like every cell in our body like that's what we want. To do, and we can lose ourselves in that we lose a complete sense of ourselves. But that is such a it's almost like a genetic like, it's like in our, in our blood to lose ourselves in that. And so one of the things I really worked hard at was knowing and noticing the gift it was that I could give myself my relationship to my daughter and my relationship to my partner, Tommy, when I did hold parts of me and these things like my business sacred, like my daily meditation doesn't have to be three, it can't be three hours a day, even if I wanted it to be. But like, even just like prioritizing some of that, to hold on to, who and discover and grow who I am, who I want to be, what who I am separate from being a partner separate from being a mom, that is a really important part for us, too. And I think for men, too, it's just a little bit more in the culture for men to hang on to that that's a little bit more and I think, embedded in a norm. Whereas for women who become moms, it's, it's it's really a it's like an internal debate that you deal with. And so, but yeah, when we prioritize that we are happier We are, we are better with ourselves, we are better with our kids, we are better with our partners, we have better sex, like everything is better when we make that part of ourselves. So for those that don't, it's like don't prioritize that. There's often a lot of unhappiness. I mean, just being a new parent is challenging for everybody involved, for sure. Men and women. But yeah, I would say that it's just there isn't a whole lot of modeling for for doing both. And, and it's also okay to be heavier in one for a little bit and heavier in another. So I obviously focused more on my business before I was a mom, when my daughter my first year of my daughter's life, I did a lot of focus on her. But I still hang on hang on to some of it. I still like I you know, I did get my book written in the first year of her life, you know, there's certain things but not at the pace that I wanted to, you know, not at the the way I thought it should look. So you we have to be flexible and have it be okay, if we change our priorities, but but hanging on to that sense of self, even if it's just a little is a real is a real saving point for us.

Rick A. Morris  22:31  
I think it's a scary realization it was for me, how much of ourselves we did lose in that process? Yeah, I always felt like, you know, I was still I remember having conversations with my kids, I came up with this concept of the first 15. And really, I was trying to get them to prioritize their chores and things for us. And I used to walk them through my day. And I was like, Alright, I get up, I get you guys to school, that I work, I come pick you up from school, and I cook dinner and clean, we do homework. And I was like, that's 15 hours in a day that I've given to everybody else. So when you see that, you know, Dad take the time. So what I'm asking you to do is your first 15 minutes, knock out your chores, then you can do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Yeah, right. And so that was it. But when I was building that out, I was like, literally, I had no time for me. And I lost so much and didn't realize that until I was kind of living on my own again, you know, yeah. You know almost bachelorhood for for a moment. But

Michelle Baxo  23:29  
and what I can tell you just for and this is I know I have to tread lightly when we do sort of the the mom versus dad conversations they know it's hard for everybody and I don't take that away. But one of the things for for for women that's not always recognized is is for us like just getting to go to work is something for you in comparison to not right and and i'm not saying and I'm thinking

Rick A. Morris  23:51  
I'm thinking play the PlayStation you're thinking drive to work or

Michelle Baxo  23:56  
drive to work. hour of peace. Are you kidding? me get a coffee on the way. Like I'm like, Oh my god, you get to shower alone, dude, like

Rick A. Morris  24:09  
people walking into you in the bathroom, you know, just Yeah, well,

Michelle Baxo  24:12  
like is your supervising off. And so it's just so it's different. And you know, and as someone that you know, I work from home and so like I like having having to create boundaries and getting support and not being like, there's almost like this idea that you can somehow magically do a full time job from home and full time take care of a kid, it's impossible, you actually can't be doing two things at the same time. So anyway, so it's not to diminish any of what you're saying. I think one of the biggest things that happens in relationships and why you see so many relationships fall apart after a kid is at the you know, within the first couple of years and within those first those first four years of children's lives, you know, my parents divorced when I was two not not you know it fits right within right within it. Is that we Yeah, we Lose, don't we, we lose so much of ourselves. And I think even like for our generation, too, we got that extra. Well, at least I did anyway, that extra decade like the 20s, like, I didn't have kids in my 20s. So I really got to know what living an adult life, you know, just me I didn't I didn't have a child until I was 30. I got pregnant at 3535, something like that. So really like a good amount of my adulthood, which is great. I felt like I really got to live it up. But also, I had become used to it, I was attached to it. I knew who I was, and all of that, you know, or a lot of that changed after becoming a mom, too. So it's, it's tricky. It's tricky for everybody.

Rick A. Morris  25:43  
For sure. So I think we're gonna take another break right here. But what I'd love to just tease the audience with is, what about when your power has awakened, but the other person is completely oblivious or unaware? Whether it be the narcissist or whether it be just the person who's selfish. I'd love to dive into some of your tips and tricks around that. We'll do that right on the other side of this break. You're listening to Rick Morrison the work life balance.

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Unknown Speaker  26:47  
At the work life

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Unknown Speaker  27:55  
When it comes to business, you'll find the experts here voice America business network.

VoiceAmerica  28:06  
You are tuned in to the work life balance to reach Rick Morris or his guest today, we'd love to have you call into the program at 1-866-472-5790. Again, that's 1-866-472-5790 if you'd rather send an email, Rick can be reached at r Morris at r squared Now back to the work life balance.

Rick A. Morris  28:32  
And we're back to the work life balance on this Friday afternoon. So I'm going to set up a little situation here for you, Michelle just I'm gonna make it you know, as random as possible. But when we start dealing with certain personalities, and we're in our awakening, let's take something like out of like we're remodeling a bathroom or something like that, you know what I mean? is like, yeah, and so the partner goes, Well, what do you want? You go, this is what I want, like a while now that I want this, you're like, No, that doesn't work for me. They go, Well, I'm just trying to make you happy. It's like, well, if you want to make me happy, then this is what I want. Now, I'm not gonna do that, right? And you're like, and so it just becomes so much of a fight that you just rather give up, then stand your ground. But then the way I feel is every time you walk by the stupid bathroom, it's going to be another blow or reminder that they really didn't care. Like how do you deal with this situation like that?

Michelle Baxo  29:25  
Well, something like that. I mean, in that particular situation, neither party is right. So even that, like you saying, well, like why, you know, why should I be the one that disappointed there must be a history of disappointment, like there's baggage coming into that being such a big deal. because really what I would say, if looking at that relationship, neither should be even considering an option that the other person doesn't want. You know, to give you another example, like naming children is an area where people also get really, really frustrated and they're like, I really want this but I really want that neither You should even be entertaining. The one that your partner is not also entertaining. Like, that's partnership right? So where do we overlap not how do I get what I want?

Rick A. Morris  30:11  
What but let's let's take that situation a little bit further though it's it's not that neither one. I love that thought neither one should be entertaining something that they don't want. I just had a really good point to that that just went right out right out of my head. Now but but essentially it's the the history is that they were going to do it anyway. Right and after so many of those fights, you're like, why am I why even asked me? Why would you even ask me?

Michelle Baxo  30:42  
Yeah, that okay, god yeah. So I mean, I can tell that there's more to this. I just like, you know, then I then I'm aware of so it's a tricky answer specifically without surely that's in the history behind it. Right. But, you know, what I can say is with any of these kinds of things that turn into bickering or nagging or It feels like you're banging your head against the wall at these same conversations. Is that kind of like the Yeah, we're talking? Exactly. Yeah. Okay, great. So in something like that, which I'm sure anyone listening in relationships can relate to, because we all have those things where it's like, how many times do I have to bring up that I care about composting and you don't, but like, Can we please be a family who composts right? And no one wants to be the neg. So we all anytime any of us are in a situation where we feel like we're nagging banging our head against the wall, we want to just give up, it's like, you know what, maybe I should just say you do you I'll do me. And there is something to be said for that. And I think that to some degree that can be okay, in terms of accepting certain differences and of some values are ways that we do things, right. But if it is eating away at a core value, like if it is something where you're like, wow, no, like, I now interpret this as being unloving from you, or I feel disrespected or dishonored, or, you know, like something that's like a value, that's going to start disintegrating the relationship very, very quickly. And you're going to start collecting evidence for where that shows up. So nagging and arguing isn't you might as well stop nagging and arguing about it, because it probably isn't going to make a difference, what needs to start happening, and it likely will need to happen more than once, or be referred back to is a real conversation about that value, and about the actual impact of that kind of situation and getting to the bottom of it. Because it may be like that feeling disrespected or feeling dishonored may be totally legitimate, or it may be an interpretation of something that's happening. And without a real conversation, we don't really know. And, and also the other person may really be leaving you felt dishonored, or disrespected on love, but they really may not realize the impact of that. And so it needs to be on a very visceral level, that kind of conversation because just like, hey, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, hey, don't do that tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. It just doesn't work.

Rick A. Morris  33:20  
Yeah, in my in my personal thing. And so being being the baby of five, right, yeah, kind of my stuff was it was important thing. So if I bought something at the store, right, and something as simple as that, it's not that I don't want to share it, whatever. It's, it's, if if you took it and then I'm expecting it to be there, you didn't tell me or something like that. So it was it was happening so often, that I sat down and had that conversation. I was like, This is that's hurtful to me. It's disrespectful, I know to you, there's just more at the store. And there was even Oh, I'll go get more at the store and never did it. Right. So every time I wanted it, I had to go get it, and then it would be gone. And so I was like this is disrespectful, and they just kind of laugh it off. They go. Yeah, like that. That's where I got to with that. And so I started started saying, Well, I'm not going to go get it anymore. Right. So now I'm depriving myself that that's where I saw that relationship. Yeah, some of the other ones

Michelle Baxo  34:15  
could have done you bought that one.

Rick A. Morris  34:18  
Oh, we did. But they would take them both.

Michelle Baxo  34:21  
I see. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

Rick A. Morris  34:23  
I know. I did a lot of that.

Michelle Baxo  34:25  
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know like to me, I think at the end, people will get it or not, but it's only through here's the thing is people often want to know, is it worth having those kinds of conversations or isn't it and we just don't know until we have them. Some people really are in their own world. Some people really do think the world turns because they're there or they live that way anyhow and won't get it and won't take responsibility and won't get into your world. But our job as a part of a relationship is to is to help facilitate that as much as we can. And if we're the ones who are a little more emotionally involved, then we'll probably be the ones doing a little more legwork. And if it's not going to if the relationship isn't going to work, it's not going to work. But it's not going to be excited and try and it's not going to be like, because so many relationships fail out of misunderstanding, it's insane. Out of like, honestly not understanding the other person's perspective. So we have to, if we really value a relationship, we have to do our part to help the person understand and to and to also practice understanding that person's perspective and find some something that can kind of work. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, right. I mean,

Rick A. Morris  35:36  
let's take that let's take if it doesn't work, so basically, you've you sat down and he said, you this is really important to me. Yeah. And and there's, there's nine of those that continues to be diminished. Yeah. And then you just turn around and go, you know, almost in your own head, you're like that this person's never going to change. The question I get often when you kind of come to that realizations will what do you do that?

Michelle Baxo  36:00  
Yeah, um, so I think it just needs to be a very candid conversation of really can't so I had a conversation this is getting a little personal here. I don't know if I've been sharing all kinds. I know. Right? But like, I had a conversation with this with my partner recently, because there were certain things that led me to question his character. And but I was doing that the nagging and feeling and like not wanting to change him, but also like, wait a minute, like, this isn't the person that I thought like, like, these are, these are new things to me, I didn't expect this. And I noticed myself lose I actually losing some respect for my partner, the father of my child, the love of my life, like always, I'm like, I can see that there's something brewing in me that is not going to go well if I don't really deal with this. So I started the conversation by by actually started by taking responsibility. Listen, I know I've been snippy with you. I can actually see now that somewhere along the way, I've lost respect for you. And I know you can sense that. Am I right? And he's like, Yeah, definitely. Okay. So this is super hard and uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt you at all. But I've been reflecting on some of the things that have happened along the way. And I think I've pointed some of them out, can we talk about them? And we did. And we did talk about them. And some and I actually had said like, why this is starting to really eat away at me is because, you know, we chose each other because of each other's character and, and our integrity and our commitment to grow and like all of these things, but this stuff showing up is not matching that and it's incredibly discouraging for me, and it has me question, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we're having like, a real conversation about it. You know, one of the things that he had to deal with around it, and that I was scared about is he was flip flopping for a bit between. This makes me want to be a better man, you know, the man that I really did do believe I am and I got lazy, and I got sloppy, and I thought these things. And then sometimes he'd be like, why bother? Whatever I do, it won't be enough. Which is like something I'm always really careful about when I have these kinds of conversations. I don't want someone to feel like they're not good enough. Because we know that's a trigger for every human on the planet. Right? And so and and, you know, so he would share that with me, which really helps me understand where what he's grappling with. But I am also like, Well, listen, honey, that's that's got to be something you choose. Like if the giving up being the person that you really believe you are or, you know, fighting the practicing, and we working together do and I know I'm not perfect either. So let's talk about that too. And, you know, so that's what it literally has looked like in my life recently. To give you a sense, Does that help? Does

Rick A. Morris  38:44  
that? No, it does. It does. And I'd love to get some help with some phrasing. So I call them symptom fixer symptom fixers. Yes, essentially, you say, Look, I'm not happy because I feel disrespected. Well, give me an example. Well, an example is you parked behind me, you know, and I asked you not to do it, you continue to do it when I asked you not to do it again. So then they stopped parking behind you. But that's not fixing the problem. That was the an example of the larger thing. How do we phrase that better to where we're really getting to the issue? Or if somebody's like, demanding an example like, I don't do that. What do you mean and you go, Okay, well, here's an example of where I felt that and they just diminished that they just go right by it. Does that make sense?

Michelle Baxo  39:28  
Yeah, it does. Um, well, one thing I would just say like if it was like to you right, this is something that's happening a lot I would actually look to why am I seeking relationships with people who treat me like shit? Like that would actually be something worth looking at. Right? Like why like and is there like a I would just guess, right? For anyone listening who resonates with any of this? Is there a parent that we didn't get that much like validation from that was a bit of a deck that like now that's playing out in our life over and over again, where we surround ourselves with, you know, bitches addict, sorry. And then if I can win that person over, then maybe I'm actually I am good enough like some subconscious version of that could be going on that that said sometimes though, like I said, sometimes it really is that we, and it's hard to know, it's really hard to know the difference between when is it really like, this is just generally a disrespectful human being who's just not going to get it. Versus I'm very easily triggered by these types of things. And when one thing happens, I create a world of disrespect from it, right? So it's, it's tricky to know. So that's why I say yeah, jumping into those conversations is a way that you can get to know that. And so so like, I think we make it a little significant, more significant than it needs to be. So I think it's like if we can drop the like, the emotional drama from it, the baggage that we're carrying the trigger, we kind of have to let that go. And, and it just kind of, I don't know, for me what I had, just because I used to be such a pleaser. And then I became the opposite way, way too honest and blunt. And now I'm just like, I don't know, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna compassionately be brutally honest and clean it up if I need to have to. And like, just sort of let it out. So for me, I probably be like, Dude, why? Like, like, like, you know, I don't know, maybe in that particular case, it would be like, Dude, don't park behind me anymore. That's not cool. If that's just the thing, but if it's actually like a number of things, I probably would say, listen, we got to talk here. I like there's there is something going on in our dynamic that we need to sort out? Or are you aware of there being something off with our dynamic? Or shall I, shall I? Is this just me something I need to talk we need to talk about, because there's probably some sort of other side to it or not, but then you like, you have to say, like, Look, I just sort of, I just feel like you're walking around doing this. And it doesn't feel good. And maybe you don't mean to. And that's the thing that's important to say to people is maybe you really don't mean to you don't realize, and I can own my own interpretation and dealing with my own triggers. But if we're going to have a relationship like these, like we've got us we've got to figure out something that's, that's a fit for both of us.

Rick A. Morris  42:18  
Yeah, I had to flip from I'm not going to give you a specific example. I'm just going to tell you how this makes me feel. Yeah, that's that that was how I had to get through and it still didn't solve it. But I felt better at the explanation because it sounds so stupid when you say don't park behind me that that's such a simple little thing. But at the same time, it's such a simple little thing. Why don't you fix it like,

Unknown Speaker  42:38  

Rick A. Morris  42:39  
do I not care at all? You know, those types of things, but we're gonna wrap up this segment. We'll be right back with Michelle back so we'll ask her the question we asked all of our guests in your listening to the work life balance with Rick Moore's.

VoiceAmerica  42:55  
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Unknown Speaker  44:39  
When it comes to business, you'll find the experts here voice America business network.

VoiceAmerica  44:50  
You are tuned in to the work life balance. To reach Rick Morris or his guest today. We'd love to have you call into the program at 18664 725790 Again, that's 1-866-472-5790. If you'd rather send an email, Rick can be reached at r Morris at r squared Now back to the work life balance.

Rick A. Morris  45:16  
And we're back to the work life balance on this Friday afternoon at fresh, fresh off the presses where it's being suggested that we either eat have a support group or a mastermind around this, but I have a feeling Michelle, you have a support group in which people can reach out to you and talk to you and have some of these conversations. How did they find you?

Michelle Baxo  45:35  
Yeah, definitely, well, the best place to go first is my website, which is Michelle And there's some different options there to reach out to me to work with me privately. I sometimes run group programs, I'm not currently but that is something that usually once a year, I do run as well. But another great thing that's available is I have a private Facebook group called empowered women, the place for women who give a shit about being empowered. That's the that's the thing. Um, and, and so that's a really great place to where I offer, you know, free training segments, and people can connect and talk everything really women empowerment. But it's not to say men can reach out but they wouldn't be in that particular group.

Rick A. Morris  46:14  
I was gonna say I'm out. That's it. Yeah, I

Michelle Baxo  46:16  
know. So I don't have a face guy. That's right. Well, you can just, but also, like, you know, friend me on Facebook, everybody, it's fine. I'm not I'm not I'm not like, I'm open. I'm open with my Facebook. It's all good. Um, so? Uh, yeah, no, but Facebook is the best place to find me and my website. Outstanding.

Rick A. Morris  46:35  
So the question we ask every guest is, what is some of the best advice you've ever received?

Michelle Baxo  46:40  
Well, you know, I was thinking about this When, when, when you mentioned it, and you know, I don't know if it was advice. But it made the biggest difference in my life when I had this conversation with my dad. And it was actually dealing with something similar to what we were talking about, where I realized every time I went over there, I always end up at my feelings would be hurt, every time I would just wait for that thing, or my feelings were hurt. And I finally talked to my dad about it. And this was about this was sort of when I first got into my personal development, and, and he was like, Oh, my gosh, Michel, he goes, he goes, sometimes I'm just an idiot, because I don't know what comes out of my mouth half the time. So please, whatever I say, Please don't take it as being anything like, valid or anything. And that was mind blowing to me. And it altered not only my relationship with my dad, because I realized I was getting putting so much weight, so much emphasis, I was letting the words falling out of his mouth define me and my life and my relationships with men and women and authority figures and all these things. And when I took the weight off of it, not like to not hold them responsible not to any of those things, but it just totally altered everything and freed me up so much. So not really advice as much as a response. But that's what came up for me when you when you ask that question

Rick A. Morris  47:59  
is triggered so so my daughter is going to be 20 next month. And at 17. She had that awakening with me and I was just, I was being goofy, but she came in and she was like laying something down on me. And I started to look for something behind my desk and she's like, what are you looking for? I said, the manual that came with you at your birth? Because like, I don't know, if she just had this moment, she was like, wait a minute. You've been making this all up? And I was like, Yeah, you're the test baby. Like we screwed you up so bad. I was like, that's why baby number two is much better. But baby number one like we made every possible mistake with you. Yeah, but I didn't know like, I did my best I did. I was the best person I could be at the time always. And that was like this, but she you could just see on her face that that was that same moment that you just had mind blowing. Like, dad doesn't know he's just been making it up as it goes along.

Michelle Baxo  48:51  
Where it's like I don't know about her. But for me I had this internal dialogue being like you don't know me you don't know what life is really like? Like this whole argument going on. I was like always fighting with them. When not we weren't even fighting. We never fought Actually, it was all just on the inside. And how to be able to let that go. My God. Yeah, amazing.

Rick A. Morris  49:11  
So what about final words, final advice for people that that have been struggling? And let's let's tailor the advice of you. You're either at the point that you're going to make the ultimate decision or you've made the decision but you're stuck in limbo. What What advice can you give to them?

Michelle Baxo  49:26  
When you say made the decision? What

Rick A. Morris  49:27  
do you mean that to end a relationship and

Michelle Baxo  49:30  
relationship? Yeah, yeah. I think that the only because I also think sometimes we stay in relationships way too long when they really should be over. Right. So I think what's important is to is to take a personal development approach to to all of our relationships and everything we do is just something I just believe in firmly. That is to say we can never be the only one taking responsibility for a relationship. So and that's one of the traps. We didn't really talk about it as much in this So, you know, for anyone here as like, as a strong human being who's in a relationship, and is in a terrible relationship, if you are in one, you know, I would say the first place to look is okay, like, how can I take responsibility? It's always a good place to look, if I trained someone to treat me like crap, could I maybe train them a different way? Can I tolerate different things? And I have real conversations, like really, like really? Do the have the hard talks, go to the vulnerable places really share and you know, all of it, right? Like, that's part of taking responsibility. And if we're and, and you know, if it really isn't going to change, then, like, it is a gift to you and the other human being and all the people around you to clean that slate right to to clean that slate. And that also comes from a, you know, a vulnerable, real honest conversation as well.

Rick A. Morris  50:55  
But some people don't see that as a gift. So they feel like they're the bad person. Yeah. Or, or they have to be the bad person to make the decision. Yeah, right. And I probably stayed way too long. in service of my kids thinking, I was doing them a favor. And what I was doing was teaching them how to live in an unhealthy household. Yeah,

Michelle Baxo  51:15  
yeah. Well, I know, but I mean, hindsight is 2020. Right. And so now you maybe would do it differently. But maybe that was part of the journey you needed to go through to really, because because there was those two parts of you pulling, and you didn't want to just give up on something without you feeling like you gave it your all. So it's important for all of us, I do think it's important for all of us to feel like we gave it our all, but we need to be really honest with ourselves about what that what all really is. And it doesn't mean give ourselves away, it doesn't mean sell ourselves out. It doesn't mean drag something through the mud. And you know, until you have to disintegrated human beings, right. So that's where I think it's we can't be inside of tolerating can't be what giving it our all is, it needs to really be real conversations, whether that's counseling or or group, you know, group therapy, or personally, everyone does the landmark forum in the family or whatever it is, right? Like that stuff. And the real conversations that come from that, that's what giving it your all is not just like, I'm going to numb myself or, you know, whatever we do, just like put a create a barrier. So I can tolerate this until the kids go to college. Like that's different. Yeah, but we have to learn that we all you know, I think a lot of us have to learn it. And so not that everyone has to go through it, you know, but there's always to some degree, we have to kind of go a little too far somewhere to realize we're not going to go quite that far again the next time. Right?

Rick A. Morris  52:48  
For sure. For sure. Michelle, we certainly appreciate ya. I have a ball with you every time and we'll have to get you back again soon.

Michelle Baxo  52:55  
Well, I'd love to. Yeah, thanks

Unknown Speaker  52:57  
so much.

Rick A. Morris  52:57  
I think there's so much more that we're leaving on the table here that we just start to scratch the surface and then an hour flew by. That's when you know when you're having fun.

Unknown Speaker  53:09  
It's great. Yeah, thank you so much.

Rick A. Morris  53:11  
And so listeners Thank you so much. Thanks for the immediate feedback as well. From the from the listeners. I always love that always to make sure that we try to adapt to react if you would like to be one of those listeners that gives us that feedback. You can hit me up at Rick A. Morris on Twitter. You can find me at Rick k Rick A. Morris calm or are more star square consulting. com. Find me on Facebook and LinkedIn as as Michelle is I'm open as well. Come join us Come have a ball. Until next Friday. We hope that you live your own work life balance and we'll talk to you then.

VoiceAmerica  53:49  
Thank you for joining us this week. The work life balance with Rick Morris can be heard live every Friday at 2pm pacific time and 5pm eastern time on The Voice America business channel. Now that the weekend is here. It's time to rethink your priorities and enjoy it. We'll see you on our next show.

Thanks again for listening.