Saturday, July 25, 2020

Empowered Relationships - Michelle Baxo

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VoiceAmerica  0:04  
One problem facing people at many levels of business is how to make time for a work life and a personal life. Do you find that one seems to keep getting in the way of the other? This is the work life balance with Rick Morris. Even if you're not involved in the business world, you'll have a lot to gain by tuning into today's show. Now, here's your host, Rick Morris.

Rick A. Morris  0:26  
Welcome to another edition of the work life balance on this Friday afternoon. I'm back live again sorry for the replay last week but we had we had some guest issues and things like that, so we just ducked out to a replay. And then I went to Nashville and got a chance to visit some friends. So I'm recharged finally got to get out of the house a little bit. Had a had an event that was planned that got canceled the last second we were supposed to go see john Maxwell and Steve Harvey work together. But no no harm, no foul. They're also A lot of you were on the virtual resource planning summit with us yesterday, that was a fantastic event. But I'm still kind of, ie if I use the word hangover, it's not the hangover that you're thinking of. It's the hangover from when you speak all day and then do an eight hour event the next day. You're not talking so much. So, but fantastic event, a lot of great stuff. We had Barb stegman, on who's been on the show a couple of times a founder of seven virtues, perfume, just an incredible story. If you haven't had a chance to go see a documentary called perfume wars. You need to go check it out. It's the story of Barb, how she started the company. It was really started with a powerful friendship and essentially, they sourced materials directly from farmers in war torn countries. So Afghanistan, Somalia, just a phenomenally social conscious business that she's just an amazing person. So she was on with us. We had our boy Darryl rivers who was on with us who just did that incredible conversation with us on this show about about race, and a host of other people. But anyway, let's get into today's show really excited because we're going to focus you know, we talked about work life balance. I've done a few episodes on work now it's time to start talking about life and that balance of life. And so our person now is an empowerment coach and author, speaker, and she brings motivated women from around the world from power less to powerful and every single aspect of life. Advice can be found in Forbes cosmopolitan insider and thrive global and their YouTube channel provides a wealth of knowledge around love and empowerment. And her new book power love dating a woman's real word. Good gracious, love dating. A woman's real world guide to empowered love is now available on Amazon. She's got a master's degree in counseling psychology, and a professional background in psychotherapy in mind body healing and was formerly a personal development manager and program leader with landmark worldwide. The magic ingredient to all of her work is power, love, we lives in between the extremes we too often find ourselves in where powerful and loving overlap. So let's bring her on to the show Michelle, back. So how are you?

Michelle Baxo  3:08  
Hi, I'm great. So good to be here.

Rick A. Morris  3:11  
And so this new book, right, so power, love dating, I got a chance to read it, but just talk about that for a moment. How did how did you come to that? And I also like to hear about the writing process, like, not as simple as we can read a book. Okay. But talk about that whole process.

Michelle Baxo  3:26  
Yeah. Okay. Well, so my process writing this book was totally different than what I had envisioned writing a book looks like. So for a long time, I had done what many of us do, which is, you know, you sit down and you maybe write a table of contents and start writing or you go to a cabin and lock yourself in there and you write this long book, and that was not happening for me at all. What I do is I speak I coach, I share I talk some more, I think some more and that's my process. And I realized that over Gosh, a number of years working intensively With specifically women on their journey of finding love, that was a focus I did for a period of time. That combined with sharing a lot of my own journey, my own journey, which went from being a wreck in the love department, you wouldn't have known it if you knew me unless I told you about it, but my gosh, was it ever a wreck and finding my way to lasting love without actually empowering, healthy, hopefully lasting relationship? Right so so taking all of that in and realizing oh my gosh, I've been writing my book for years actually. And it's in all these different places. It's in my in my stories in my pot or in my podcasts that I've been on, it's in my my blogs, it's in my all kinds of places, my YouTube channel and really there's all of these things and I started actually taking that compiling it and then from there, wrote my book and and filled in all of the gaps and made it a lot more Made it made sense to a reader so totally different than I think what a lot of people expect but writing should look like.

Rick A. Morris  5:06  
So I've got you pegged as a high personality then right is what sorry. Hi I personality and the disc profile.

Michelle Baxo  5:13  
I didn't know that.

Rick A. Morris  5:13  
Oh me I'm so high empath high is we we can be in front of anybody, but we're profoundly very tough on ourselves internally. A lot of people think we have an ego because we can talk to anybody but really, there's lots of insecurities under the under the scenes, and I need people to recharge but we also need to have that time to ourselves to recharge so you love the big idea, but hate kind of the nitty gritty and details is that

Michelle Baxo  5:38  
that sounds exactly like me. Yeah, you got me pegged, right? Yeah,

Rick A. Morris  5:41  
Bs because I'm the same person. I'm in writing my book. I also am an auditory thinker. So a lot of times I'll make connections on stage that never have been made before. Right? It's just something will come out of my mouth. And I just right then I'm like, remember that remember? Go right. And so I ended up walking around my office and dictating to myself my book. Yeah, and sitting down to write it, but basically tried to describe what I was trying to say to me, so that I could sit down and find the words I wanted to in the book. So that's why I pegged you that way.

Michelle Baxo  6:15  
Now, it's so good. I'll even do it now. So one of the ways with my with my VIP clients, I voxer with them, which is voice recording back and forth for anyone who's not familiar. And and same thing I'm writing my second book power love woman. And, and anytime there's a real Golden Nugget, I'm like, download that transcribe that. Okay, come on. I don't know where that came around. I was good. Because I do think there's something about and this this will lead very nicely, I think into what we're talking about today. So much gold so much wisdom comes from the interaction it comes it's not, you know, they're you know, it's not just from you know, my brain knowing things and yes, I have a lot of experience and sure there's all of that But, but really it, it comes as much from the other as it does from me and I and so my working with clients and people in general and being connected and in these relationships is a huge part of being able to, you know, give what I have to give to the world.

Rick A. Morris  7:19  
In fact, I have a measure of when I feel like I've made it when it's a john Maxwell is one of my mentors and I get a chance to watch him do his thing often. But he's got Aaron and Aaron is probably one of the most important people in his life because it he'll literally stop himself on stage and look at Aaron and Aaron will give a little high sign going. Yes, I heard you. Yes, it was awesome. And I already wrote it down for you. So just follows him around, as in all the conversations and onstage and I remember one time he was talking to kind of an inner circle. So he literally just stopped and he's like no, no Eric just kept just write with me for a second catch this. And he started a poll full idea out Yeah, and we watched him get a chance to grow If that and I was like that's when I know I've made it is if I can have an errand Yeah. Let's talk about power love what what a greatness or love is just gives you kind of that that feeling what how did you come up with that? And where is that? Yeah,

Michelle Baxo  8:12  
I can definitely tell you so when I was so when I went from so my background is as a psychotherapist left that to work extensively with the personal development company and then left that to go back to building something on my own but I wanted to be online virtual I just didn't want that office. I didn't want to be constricted in an office, basically. Right? And so that's how I got into online you know, coaching and in the work that I do and so when I was doing that I wanted to pick to pick a particular area that I could focus on really smart way to start an online business is you pick a particular niche so to speak, right? And someone very wise said to me, Well, what's your because I've worked with people in all kinds of different areas. So they said look for your first program for your first sort of message. To the world, and difference that you want to make what's your favorite personal transformation? And for me, I there's been a lot that I had, you know, I'm surrounded by incredible coaches and thought leaders and a lot of things that I had transformed in my life. But the one that took me the longest was my love life. But when I so so that was why I decided to focus on that for a few years and that is what I had done. I do I'm back to serving all kinds of different things, but and so when I was doing it, what I was dealing with in myself was Oh, but I'm not a dating coach. I'm not that person that's going to say this is how you should do your hair or this is the best way to text someone or this is the um, that's not me

Rick A. Morris  9:42  
very superficial to when you agree. I mean, for the most part that industry Yeah,

Michelle Baxo  9:47  
yeah, and I shouldn't I want to say though, disclaimer, there's something I know some incredible people that call themselves a dating coach. But really what they do is so much deeper than that. There are people like that and I could call him

Rick A. Morris  9:58  
off I can name there's probably some some phenomenal dating coaches hold on a hole if you're gonna pay the other

Michelle Baxo  10:03  
but what bugged me I was like, Oh, I can't and so I had called myself a love coach for a long time that I could wrap my head around because there was there's like so much including love for yourself love for life. Love for like, what I really stand for is, you know, as people being able to live, like live a life they love while loving themselves and the people around them. I mean, what else is there to life really right so that I could stand by and I knew the work that I wanted to do was deeper. But what I dealt with in my personal journey was feeling having this experience, like the more self aware I become, the more what I felt emotionally mature I became the harder it seemed to find a partner that it would work with. I didn't want what not not to judge what other people had, but I didn't necessarily want what a lot of people that I knew had. It wasn't Like I just wanted someone to, to share a life with and build that, you know, nuclear family with or whatever it was. That that's, that wasn't me something very important to me as I, you know, grew and grew as a human being was this sense of empowerment, this sense of personal power, knowing who I am and being able to express that in my life confidently, that became very important to me. But it seemed like it was at the expense of love, and this kind of relationship, I could have lovers. I could have all you know, and say, Yeah, no, I'm good. I have my career and I have these, you know, a track, you know, I can have a lover on the side. And that sort of felt empowering, but it wasn't actually what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to be that whole human being that I had finally discovered myself to be and have a true partner to co create and to continually create a life with and so That is how and so for me, I was like, well, I want power and love, power love. That's how it first came to be, then it's evolved into being a more than just about relationship like how we can power love ourselves. Power, love with money, power love in our career like so really, it's turned into a paradigm for that overlap that you mentioned earlier, where pathwork work being powerful and loving overlap.

Rick A. Morris  12:27  
And so, I want to dive into the word empowerment for a second because I feel like it's something I think it's gotten used so poorly for so long that now It almost has a negative context. Like, almost every coach says, I'm going to empower you. I saw a software company that was using you know, empower your team, by using our and the software had nothing to do with empowering the team. It was about the team giving me information so I can make decisions. I would like that really poor choice of words on that. How do we I mean, what is your take on that? You use the word it's often in the book and in your materials. Yeah, talk to me about what you can do to help change the perception of the word.

Michelle Baxo  13:09  
Uh, well, here's what I can tell you. It is your I agree with you, a lot of people are using it and it's not empowerment at all. In fact, one of the things that makes me so angry about the online coaching industry and sometimes even personal development as a whole, but again, I want to say that because not everybody's doing this, but is where we're where, and this is because it's what sells what sells is the answer. What sells is here is a pathway to go from here to here. I'm going to tell you exactly how to run a business. I'm going to tell you exactly how to be confident if you follow these steps you will guaranteed have this result right and that is feeding into a very disadvantageous part of the human condition where we just want the answer that we can default into. So that we can take our hands off the wheel for a while and and and not worry about the result that we want, right? So So I've still very even even when I was focused on supporting what people would love, it's like, okay, there is work to be done. But I am not going to stand here and be in charge of your life. I'm not I'm not going to do that. It's one, it's, no, I just don't believe in it. And two, it doesn't serve the other person. So to me empowerment is actually discovering how powerful you really are and how and like what it really means to navigate the realities of yourself and the realities of the circumstances around you so that you can one be way more likely to achieve the things that you want and do it yourself and to so that you're not waiting for that result to be happy that you can actually feel good. When you're climbing that frickin mountain maybe not, you know, like the kind of good where you feel good about it not necessarily that like it feels good, right?

Rick A. Morris  15:12  
Right. Good that you just wouldn't worked out and yeah, tired, you're exhausted but it's a great feeling

Michelle Baxo  15:17  
is like someone tell me what pill I can take so that I can eat whatever I want.

You know? And there's a lot of the versions of that.

Rick A. Morris  15:28  
Oh, yeah, multi billion dollar industry right there. Oh, pill, the quick pill. And none of none of them work because I tried them all. And I was like, wait a minute, maybe if I just eat better and exercise, I lose weight. If I

Michelle Baxo  15:39  
take responsibility for my life. I honor myself you get it right. But it's like and that's sometimes more obvious with weight less obvious when it comes to things like like our businesses like our like relationships, like our marriage, like parenting, and I'm not saying not to use experts. There's a lot of wisdom. We should never give away that power to somebody. Though,

Rick A. Morris  16:01  
so that one of the most impactful things for me, in coaching, I never really wanted to be a coach. And through the john Maxwell program, you become a speaker, a coach and a trainer. And so you have to kind of attend these these different sessions. I go to this coaching session, and I have a really poor understanding what a coach does. I'm very, I'm like, dude, I, I'm going because I have to, I have no interest in this. Kristin Simpson, who's now one of my coaches, got on stage and he did a quick thing to me. He said, I want to work with a partner and you guys gonna juggle, and of course me and my partner, we'd never juggled and we start figuring it out. And he was watching our behavior. And I was trying to tell the guy how to juggle like, I'm some circus clown. And he hits us with the line that changed my life forever. He said, when you give somebody the answer, you robbed them of a lifetime of learning. And that was so and I realized what a directive leader I had been. I would be upset because I couldn't go into Because that right? And it was it was that fact that I wasn't really and again, I'm going to use the word empowering my team to make decisions I was training them to ask me. Alright, so we're going to take a break right there, we're going to come back, get more into power, love and I really want to start getting into some some things in relationships. Specifically, let's talk about fear. Fear of leaving fear of standing up for yourself, or fear of change is even a better way to say it. So we'll do that right on the other side of the break, you're listening to Rick A. Morris and the work life balance.

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from the boardroom to you, voice America business network.

You are tuned in to the work life balance to reach Rick A. Morris or his guest today we'd love to have you call into the program at 1-866-472-5790. Again, that's 1-866-472-5790 if you'd rather send an email Rick can be reached at our Morris at r squared Now back to the work life balance.

Rick A. Morris  19:55  
And we're back to the work life balance on this Friday afternoon. We're visiting with Michelle back So Michelle, you know, we didn't say your company though what? you own your own firm.

Michelle Baxo  20:04  
I own my own my own business. So power love woman is, is the is the name of the game over here but yeah,

Rick A. Morris  20:13  
yeah, perfect. And so and we're talking about power love and and so let's get into some of the particulars and I'm doing this purely of a selfish nature since I just left a a 24 year marriage earlier this year right before COVID, which was fantastic timing if I could just throw that out. But it's but still there. You know, for me, I haven't really looked back, but I feel like I probably stayed five years too late. I had kids involved, that kind of thing. But I think the biggest thing was the fear of the reaction. Right? So I think when we get into a partnership that long, we start the way other people perceive us becomes our truth versus wrecking and when you have somebody who can be very manipulative or very tough toxic to that pays rate shoots down any of your ideas doesn't really want to see you succeed in anything. Talk about that fear in what you kind of have to what's the best way to approach I'm gonna leave it open and yeah

Michelle Baxo  21:12  
well and it's interesting what you were talking about there the the idea is okay I'm gonna make it seem a little bit trivial for a second but we're gonna get deeper into it but a lot of the times anticipation is is where the fear and suffering lives so if we relate to it even like going to the gym usually once we're at or any class or anything like once we're there we get into it it's great we feel good afterwards right but you know that time when you're like should I should I you know after dinner am this feeling heavy.

Rick A. Morris  21:48  
Going Should I hit that snooze or

Michelle Baxo  21:51  
do I want to it's it's it's the back and forth. It's the it's the anticipation, the questioning the wavering that is where not like just fear but to suffer a lot of suffering lives. You know, I was sharing about this with one of my clients recently to around a million years ago I was a smoker it's hard to even believe that that was who I was because it's because it was another life ago. And I had had quit many times started up again quit started up again, the easiest and most effective way I ever quit, was saying, I am never going to put a cigarette to my mouth ever again for the rest of my life. And that kind of certainty gave me so much power in dealing with cravings. Now I'm sharing that because you're talking about fear around leaving a relationship for example, right, like an unhealthy or just unworkable relationship. And you know, I'm the last person that will ever say yeah, if it's not comfortable cut and run. I think for for any of us, you know, particularly if you've made a you know, true commitment to somebody. The honorable thing to do is to give it an honest go right? And so then there's different ways to do that. I think we all know what that is those things are. And it's for each person to decide, you know, when that, that comes to mind when when enough's enough, right, when it's really not going to change when it really just doesn't work. And when we've made that decision, that's where we need to be really clear with ourselves. Because I think part of what we're afraid Yeah, is the reaction which the anticipation, the unknown, what is it? What am I going to have to deal with? There's that, but then there's also this fear of, is it going to cause me to waver? What if I don't actually go What if I get manipulated to stay? What if I sell out on what on myself in these interactions and don't follow through and then now I'm living and married with someone who knows I wanted to leave. That's like the worst kind of scenario, right?

Rick A. Morris  23:52  
For sure. Yeah, go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead and finish this up.

Michelle Baxo  23:57  
Well, I don't know. I mean, I you know, you know me, so So far that I could probably just keep talking forever. So to interrupt me anytime.

Rick A. Morris  24:04  
Yeah. But then I think the anticipation like you were saying, in that fear of reaction, but then so many people because they're afraid, not that they kind of resolute You know, one of the things I heard a long time ago was talking about the three R's, essentially when you start to keep score. So first there's retaliation, meaning, you're going to start, you know, withholding certain things or not, and then it gets to revenge, right? So now you want them to make you want to make them feel the way that you make you feel, and then it gets to resentment. And kind of once you get to that resentment, there's there's really no way out. And I know several people in that resentment stage. But when you say, well, then why isn't it time for you to move on? They're like, Yeah, but I, you know, she might be crazy or she, he might, he might overreact and I'm like, but You're going to be in the same spot anyway, so he overreacts. Now, he overreacts already. So of course, he's going to overreact. Like, you know, he is. But the difference is, is he gets to overreact by himself and his own house. So you get to be away. But like, how, what have you seen? And I'm sure it's different for everybody, but some of those key breakthroughs in that moment?

Michelle Baxo  25:20  
Yeah, part of it is, is being able to see beyond that incident that you're afraid of. So yeah, there's the reaction or that conversation? Or and sometimes it's not just that it's like, oh, like actually having to deal with telling the kids or, or getting my own place. I have a client right now where she's like, Oh my gosh, and now I'm looking to get my own place. She's lived on her own and

like, ever almost.

Rick A. Morris  25:49  
Tell her it's a ball.

Michelle Baxo  25:52  
But she's, you know, but right now, I mean, she's in the air Airbnb and so having a taste event, but she's not she's feeling lonely. She's not used to be She's not used to it and there's so you know, a lot. So, you know, one of the things that we're working on is like really getting clear on who she really wants to be for herself in her life and what she wants to have her life be like, because we know and she really gave it a frickin go like they both did over and over and over again and it's just not working. And and there just isn't love there anymore. Unfortunately, you know, like sometimes that's just the way things the way things go. And and so for her the work she's doing and tell you right now that's making a really big difference is rather than being caught in the weeds because the weeds have the emotions of like, what I'm dealing with the fear of dealing with maybe the discomfort of what I'm dealing with. All of that is the weeds but if you can kind of be the the bird over the swamp and see the horizon of what you want your life to look like. I think we just forget like this is our one sweet life like this is your life. This is it and it sucks right now but what is it that you really want and we have to do hard things sometimes to get to you know a certain outcome or whatever it is a certain milestone in our lives and no one else is no one else's job no one else's job to have you live the life you want to live and and I think that's the kind of self talk we need to start having with ourselves to get us through some of these tough tough sticky spots. The greatest work is done on the edge of uncomfortable right i mean that's that's where your best work and your your best opportunity to change and it's not comfortable. Well yeah, because we're not in cruise control. We're not in cruise control when we're uncomfortable we actually have to pay attention we have to make decisions we have to look face our Dean our shadows or our demons like there's we are up on edge awake in life, when we are in our in our in our zone of discomfort, so to speak.

Rick A. Morris  27:57  
So I think one of the most powerful chapters in your book That I read through was when you started to say, you know, you can't really change the other person. Yeah. And I think I think that that's what so many people go well if he would just change this, or if he would just and I really am like so what if he did it, there's a deeper thing there, then that one action or that one activity. I've I've a friend right now that when they've they fight and she tells him something, then he's got like a checklist that he just runs. So it was like, he literally physically fixes the four things that she says but that's not the underlying problem. So you came to that realization either through your training or kind of on your own or both. Talk to me about that transformation from from your perspective of when you really started to go You know what, I really have to be I have to love me first before I can really love anybody else.

Michelle Baxo  28:53  
Yeah, I'll start with from my own from my own experience, and then we can talk about how it often plays out in with other people as well. But for me, I would say you know, where I discovered this a month is when I was in love. I was in love with an alcoholic which I know you can relate with. And, and we, we were almost married and, you know having those, you know those conversations those plants we lived together we had a dog. It was you know, I had a really great at the time my first career was actually as a school teacher. I was a great school teacher. And and it was like here I was building my life here. I was totally in love with someone who was so in love with me like I was the bee's knees as far as he was concerned. But if only he just didn't have that drinking problem you know if only you didn't have this drinking problem we like we had our own like little fake band like not for performing we would you know we had the whole thing I would sing and play guitar he would sing and play guitar we would have like just so so much fun and go rap. There's so many great things but Gosh, if only he didn't have this drinking problem, and you know, someone very wise said to me Well, Michelle, he doesn't have a drinking problem. You have a problem with his drinking. Oh, wow. And that was like, holy cow, because I was like, he's If only he would stop doing what's wrong, I suppose, like, you know, like he has this problem that needs to be fixed. And when I got that, it actually it stopped. It just changed the whole game for me. So I was like, I need to actually make a decision here. I it's okay, that I have a problem with his drinking. So I'm either going to accept the way he chooses to live his life or I am not going to accept the way he chooses to live his life. He is a grown man, and there and there are other people that would be more than happy to build a life with him. In fact, after me he did find someone and they're married with children and seemed very happy. I don't know I'm not really in their lives, but

but you know, I'm facing your

Rick A. Morris  30:54  
imagination. Sure, he was fantastic.

Michelle Baxo  30:57  
You know, but but I had a problem with it. There. were certain things that I had a problem with. And, and, and that was really, that was actually really important with me making the choice to leave. Now, that being said, I was very open about it. I said, Listen, you know, I have a problem with this, this isn't the life that I can choose. He gave it a go quitting drinking, and it slowly came back and you know, blah, you know, all the power to him for giving it a go, he really cared. He really tried and it's just not what he's committed to the way I'm committed. He's committed to a different kind of life than what I'm committed to. And I think one of the things that happens a lot I see this all the time when people are on their journey, whether they're in a relationship or looking for love, is they'll be these particular attributes that we're so delighted to finally see in another person who likes us, that it overshadows it blinds us from some really fundamental things that are required for you to Have a healthy relationship. Great things like him, adoring me as having like lots of fun together as playing music together. It was like somehow it caught the way I write it's like rationalized it compensated for the for something that at the end of the day I didn't want to raise a family with I didn't want to share a life with wasn't my life wasn't the life I wanted.

Rick A. Morris  32:23  
The honeymoon period essentially was over, right. I mean, that honeymoon period is so powerful where nobody can do anything wrong. If you've read Bruce Lipton in his talking, he says it's two years. I think it's until you have your first major fight. said to me, it's like six months to two years. But but but honestly, in the psyche, and I found it really fascinating. He's talking about, you know, early on, it's all lovey dovey and that kind of stuff. And it's the first time where life takes over, you know, he's working on the car and you come out and he doesn't give you that exact same response that you've been used to For now six months, so then you start getting into your head like, you know, Is he mad at me what's going on? Right? And it just filters out and in that honeymoon periods over and well,

Michelle Baxo  33:09  
okay, here's what I call that. And I think this actually is part of what has us be afraid after enough relationships fail we start becoming afraid at this point to which as I call it, when we start treating each other like family, and because if you really think like what were you like in your house growing up? Probably a bit of a douche, right? Like

Rick A. Morris  33:32  
when did you live with me now? I

Michelle Baxo  33:36  
know I was abroad. I was a bit of a bitch. You know, like there's not that you know, there's other good things too. But the whole picture of who we are really does show up because we're not performing for anyone we're not and at some point in the relationship, we we stopped performing. We stopped trying we be that, like that whole I mean, it. I'm not saying there isn't something to be responsible for there. And I'm not saying It's cool if we're all just assholes. So I'm sorry, I

Rick A. Morris  34:03  
keep it rolling. Yeah. Okay.

Michelle Baxo  34:11  

Unknown Speaker  34:13  
but like, so that I mean, so I bring that up for two reasons. One is it it's often when relationships start falling apart when we can't keep up that best version of myself act, right, which is great that we do and should we Yes. Should we be striving to be decent human beings with each other? Absolutely, including with our families? Do we do that all the time? Absolutely not. Right. So so at that point in a relationship, I think it becomes really challenging and it is when we when as you know, as an individual, or as a couple, we need to start deciding, like what's really here, can we have this work? Are we willing to have this work and what does it take to have that work right? And then I bring that up also because it can be very fuel or fearful as we're going into This journey looking at like, there's a like, I I'm not sure if it's, I think it is the same format. I don't work with men as much as I do with women. I do think it's the same for men, but for sure for women after, I would say after up to into your 30s so and so before I think 20s and younger, it's all just fun and games. Yeah, after that we're actually looking at something real and lasting and like and we value ourselves enough to not just want anyone into our lives, right? So we start valuing life and our own experience a little bit more. If we're single and looking for something new if you're if you're already in something it gets a little more hairy, but, um, and I think part of what people are afraid of when when looking to see do I even First of all, do I even want another relationship? Do I want to live with someone again? Do I want to deal with another human beings stuff when I can hardly handle my own? You know, or do I do I want someone else to see my stuff. Because I see how I am sometimes, right?

Michelle Baxo  36:03  
Those are, we often don't

realize how much that fear is in the way of a committed relationship

or something we're thinking about,

Rick A. Morris  36:13  
for sure. We're gonna take a break right here, then we'll be right back with Michelle back. So you're listening to Rick Morris on the work life balance.

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You are tuned in to the work life balance to reach Rick A. Morris or his guest today, we'd love to have you call into the program at 1-866-472-5790. Again, that's 1-866-472-5790 if you'd rather send an email Rick can be reached at our Morris at r squared Now back to the work life balance.

Rick A. Morris  38:48  
And we're back to the work life balance on this Friday afternoon. Our final segment before it's beer time over here, ready to go. But So Michelle, you said something that I wanted to pick up on You were talking about acting or or that we're not performing, we're not acting. And one of the things that I noticed is when there is, you know, a fight, and things get better, many times I see they're acting and I know it's not going to last because it isn't who they are their forcibly work you like you can see the work that they're putting into it, but it's not part of their their psyche, your personality, how do you start to make some of those long lasting changes personally, especially if there's something that really bothers you? And I'll give you an example. So early 20s I didn't get into fights and that kind of stuff. I have a bit of wicked wit. And I was I would just get really angry and I would just destroy people. Right? It was and that took a long time for me to overcome. It took me a long time for me to learn to count to 10 and even decide whether or not that was a hill I was going to die on right. So So what Some of those tips to that long lasting change whatever that may be.

Michelle Baxo  40:03  
Yeah so while counting to 10 is a really great is a great strategy like for in the moment something like that right stepping outside of the reaction and getting your kind of your head to match the feelings instead of the feelings driving the driving at all. I would I would say for lasting like for long lasting changes what we really need to face is the paradigm we're living in the way we actually view we we all over time develop and sometimes it changes and there's some that are overshadowing but we have these views like views about me versus the world for instance. So it might be like the world is like the world is unsafe is one that many people live in. And so often just as an Adela people who are angry on edge kind of always skeptical, looking for like by who's screwing me over what are you really Like that whole you know squinty eye way of looking at the world or or someone that gets like angry and as a short fuse often their their perception of the world on a very deep core level is that the world is a dangerous place so we need to be on the offense all the time. And and like if I don't fight then then I'm at risk like some sort of version of that and when we can start getting to know and it's so I'm not safe Is it one example I can't win is another one.

Rick A. Morris  41:39  
That's a great one. I can't

Michelle Baxo  41:40  
That's mine. My I can't wait no matter what I do. I can't win. You know, and if I'm in that so when so once we can start identifying these different you know, I'm not good enough is it almost everyone has some version of I'm not good enough or I'm not lovable. But when we can see how But begin to bring that to consciousness, then we can start being responsible for it. It doesn't mean that it doesn't show up. But it means that when we can be consciously aware of it, then we're at choice then we can go Okay, do I want so I have that, you know, so for me if I'm in I can't win, like, I've just gotten to know it's so well, there's a certain feeling in my head. It's almost like I can't think straight it's fuzzy in there. Like it's like you know, I get I get edgy agitated you could you give me a suggestion, I'm going to shoot it down before even thinking about I'm going to tell you why it won't work like this These kinds of I'm very aware of when I'm in that space. And so the more you get to know it, the more you can recognize it and then I can go Okay, well, I know I've seen and I have tracked where that brings me and I know that doesn't bring me forward in the things that are important to me. So the other thing you always want to bring to To the to the consciousness is like what is actually important to you in life? It's probably not this exact outcome or winning this exact argument or, like there's something a little deeper that you're committed to, like, maybe it's love and connection as cheesy as that sounds, or maybe it's peace. Maybe it's just peace, you know? So, you know, because sometimes we get really angry because people are adding to our anxiety, for example, right, making us feel anxious, right? That's that whole safe thing and then react with anger, which is funny because if what you really if you're anxious, what you really want probably is peace, but that anger is for sure not giving you peace. So it's so sort of that that analogy I gave you earlier of going from being in the weeds to being the bird hovering over the swamp. When the more we become aware of our own human condition, our own paradigm, our own patterns and what that's really about the more we can look at them and go Okay, I get you, I hear ya. But, like, let's make sure that the next thing that comes out of my mouth is consistent with what I actually want. As opposed to this automatic response that's about to come out of me.

Rick A. Morris  44:13  
My buddy, I've got a great friend Darrell rivers. He's actually a police de escalation trainer. He said something yesterday, I've never heard anybody put it this way. But he said, You need to interview that emotion to find out whether or not you want to give it a job in your world. I was just like, Okay. Oh, I was like, dude, he was one of those in he and I've been friends for years. I've never heard him say that. I was like, yeah, gold. Yeah. How's that anger working out for you? Yeah, interview the job to see where it takes you whether or not you want to give them a spot on your roster.

Michelle Baxo  44:45  
It's so great. And you know, it's funny. So something similar as in a conversation with someone yesterday and it's a kind of a different spin on a similar message, but it's where and we'll actually so what she this was a post I had done and my post was, I can't remember what it was now, but her Her response was, I'm realizing, oh, it was about boundaries as it were you struggling with boundaries. And she said, boundaries with my with my job actually, because I'm realizing that just because I'm excited about something doesn't mean I should do it. And and so what I was saying to her was oh actually so it sounds like also you're having a trouble with boundaries with your feelings, because you don't want your feelings to be the boss of you. And then she goes, feelings aren't my boss and she was

like, yeah, you

can be your boss. This doesn't mean ignore our feelings. It doesn't mean push them down. It doesn't mean be mad at them. But do they need to be the boss of your life? Or you know, they're the one you know, delegating all the actions probably not right.

Rick A. Morris  45:45  
So when you were talking about that the quote that hit me was a good Carl Jung quote, right? So unless you make the unconscious conscious, it'll rule your life and you will call it fate. Yeah, which I just love that. But speaking of that adjective I feel it as well. Like I can feel the anger coming and I can see, but I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin almost like it's just like, I've gotta snap, I got to react or whatever. But there's just there's a lot of decision making this going on a perfect example. In something I was trying to teach my wife but when my wife feels disrespected in any way or form, that's that that's the trigger. And so some lady ran into her with her shopping cart and then looked at her as if my wife was the problem. Yeah, from ran. That bothered her for like a week and she kept asking me, what would you do? And I was like, are you ever going to see her again? She's like, probably not as like, then why are you giving this lady so much power like that, like, you're literally been upset for a week over a random encounter? somebody that doesn't even matter to us. Even if she hates you, who cares, right? You don't even know her name. So with that being said, Do you have a couple of those kind of tips that you not only just the counting to 10 but Use some things to help you recognize those feelings.

Michelle Baxo  47:03  
Well, so Well, yeah. So to recognize the feelings, I do think getting to know what your body what your thoughts and your body sensations are, is very useful. Like you were saying, like when you're starting to get angry, you know what it starts feeling like in your body. So when we can get to know and there'll be specific body sensations and there'll be specific repetitive thoughts that come into your, into your mind, it's very useful to know what that thought is right? Sometimes it has swear words in its in it, but they're very, it's like the same little cluster of phrasings that our thoughts will say. So that's one that's definitely one thing that can help you out and then you can again, you can then be a choice. You know, the other thing I think to realize is when we're having something like that, like that example about your ex wife, that's not actually about her. About that other woman. It's about it's about something to do with something your your ex wife is grappling about, around her relationship with either herself or with the world as a whole, and that so now this person, it's kind of like dreams. You know, when we have a dream, if you have a dream about making out with your fish, it's not that you actually have a crush

on your fish.

It's like the fish represents something making out represents something either

Rick A. Morris  48:15  
way, your side comments have just been gold this whole episode, just so you know. Don't even think about making it with a face. But now

Michelle Baxo  48:27  
when you get what I'm saying, life is really like that to where we think we're so mad about something and it's that person, it's that partner. It's that and yes, there are external factors. You know, that's not a blanket statement to say that it's never about the other person or the other thing but when it's when it's boiling inside of us when it's or like taking a hold of us in a certain way. Really the only thing to do is to look inwards. And you know, much like you did wreck when you eventually decided to leave your relationship you know That was that what that must have come through you looking inwards bright and making a toy? Yeah. I actually

Rick A. Morris  49:07  
started for me by serving others I, I went to an event and watch these people just serve relentlessly. And I said, You know, I want to be like them. I want to figure that out. I just started volunteering and serving at the event. And through that these, these incredible people came into my life that started to speak into me. And it challenged me to say I'm not the person I know I can be, I guess was the right. Not even like I'm not happy with my I'm just not fulfilling the purpose. I know it can be. We're getting close to the to the end here. So there's a couple of questions I want to ask before we wrap up here first, what some of the best advice you've ever received.

Michelle Baxo  49:48  
Ah, maybe.

So this was actually around a relation like leaving a relationship. Funny enough, that same one and it was the same woman who had Maybe alcohol is not your problem, or maybe you have a problem with his drinking. Another thing that this woman had said to me was Oh, no, now it just, I just got Greg. Oh, no, the pressure was, um, I can't I can't remember right now, so I won't go with that one. You know, I don't know, I honestly think I've done I've just had so many incredible people contribute to my life and I think everything has been, you know, collective to me really taking responsibility for my life, whether I'm single in a relationship, a mom, all of these things, anytime I'm suffering. I mean, within reason, anytime I'm suffering, almost always what's missing is me being accountable for my life and my experience of it. And we always have choices. We have choices. Inside of when we stay within something. We have choices to learn. Leave like just actually embracing the amount of freedom we actually have and and embracing actually I'd say the other really great piece of advice too is

I know we have to go Don't we? I could talk No no, no, I

Rick A. Morris  51:13  
just talk with my hands as well as make me smile.

Michelle Baxo  51:16  
Okay, yeah. Um, so I don't I don't know I think just yeah, I think taking taking full responsibility for life and using the the gifts that are around us. I mean, I I always have at least two coaches I love I love hiring experts. I love reading books I'm I'm a huge I'm a self help junkie, so to speak, right? But never ever at the expense anymore of my accountability for my own life.

Rick A. Morris  51:44  
And you just pass my coach test because my number one question if anybody ever tries to coach me, I asked them who their coaches. Oh, yeah. And if they go if I don't have one, then you don't believe in the process or don't recognize the power of the process. And now how do people find you book you and buy your books?

Michelle Baxo  51:59  
Yeah, so My book so my book power love datings on Amazon. So anywhere in the world, Amazon, that's where you'll find it. I would say the best place is particularly for women who are interested, it's actually called empowered women that a place for people who give a shit about being empowered. So if that's if that's any of your listeners, they should come find me in my facebook group. But Facebook is honestly the best place to find me in general. And I have a YouTube channel as well. But yeah, Facebook and my facebook group specifically is a great place for people to find me and, and get it and you know, get some real value of empowerment.

Rick A. Morris  52:36  
Well, Michelle, we had a fantastic time with you. We'd love to have you back. I feel like we just started scratching the surface. I know.

Michelle Baxo  52:43  
In five minutes, right, yeah,


Rick A. Morris  52:47  
We had a great time with you. And so next week, we've got Greg splain is going to be joining us the week after that. We've got Doug overmarine, who actually calls himself the modern day Napoleon Hill. So we're thinking Grow Rich been such a powerful influence in my life. I can't really wait to talk to him as well. So we've got some great guests coming up. Stay right here with us. We'll talk to you next Friday here on the work life balance and stay tuned to the voice America Business Network for our next fantastic show. Talk to you next week.

VoiceAmerica  53:19  
Thank you for joining us this week. The work life balance with Rick Morris can be heard live every Friday at 2pm pacific time and 5pm eastern time on The Voice America business channel. Now that the weekend is here, it's time to rethink your priorities and enjoy it. We'll see you on our next show.

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